It is a very undesirable place to get caught. Specifically, the bottom of an nine+ player pile up, six of which are offensive and defensive linemen weighing in access of 300 lbs. There are a couple of bad situations. The first is the “face where it shouldn’t be” scenario or ”just concentrate until you can breath again,” and it’s two-fold. I’ll discuss them in a bit. The other is the worst scenario, or the “I just got run over and my leg is bent behind me and everyone is laying on me, and I hurt, get off quickly, move, move, move!” scenario. Both are laden with negatives.

1a: The face where is shouldn’t be scenario:

Well, I know what everyone is thinking, and you’re sick….but it’s true. Luckily, your helmet has a face mask so the details can be spared. This is also referred to as giving the opponent the “business”. At least, that’s what we called it in the defensive backs film room. It is normally unintended and unnoticed until you are watching the film on Monday and you realize someone gave you the business and you didn’t even know about it.

The second part of “the face where it shouldn’t be” is when your face is literally not facing the right direction out of your helmet. It can also be seen as a helmet being forced down on the bridge of your nose, which is not only annoying but very painful. You know someone has just experienced this form of the pile-up when they are unable to adjust their helmet until way after the play, waiting until they know the camera is off of them and then making all the correct adjustments.

At least that is what I did, plus I had to wait because I normally didn’t have all of my wits about me.

1b: The I can’t breath scenario is the most prevalent on Saturday’s:

This scenario is especially common of third/fourth and shorts and goal line situations. It can recognized by the arms, legs and bodies juxtaposed in a pile of pain. I hated being caught under numerous 300 pounders. I can only describe it as the worst doggy pile from the sixth grade. You know, the one with “Little” Jimmy, so ironically named, who was held back several times and now weighs 280 lbs and has his lunch affectionately spilled on his shirt. Yeah that’s the one, except they are 6-8 Little Jimmy’s and “lunch” is the slimiest perspiration you have ever felt.

When you are on the bottom the whistle cannot blow soon enough. You are temporarily incapacitated, as your lungs gasp for air. You attempt to concentrate or hold your breath, which can keep you from freaking out and throwing a claustrophobic fit in front of 60,000 fans and who knows how many TV viewers.

Then there are always the occasional dirty players who will smash their hands into your face, grab, pinch or even punch under the pile. Luckily, I haven’t encountered anyone with such scrupulous behavior, but I have heard tales.

2: The last, and most painful, scenario is the limb caught in an awkward position scenario:

This scenario is accompanied by squeals of pain, and/or frantic movements in relief of a stressed joint. Luckily, I have only been involved in one painful pile where my ankle and leg were going one direction and my body was going another. It is nothing to be desired and I grimace anytime I see this sort of pile up. It normally occurs as one player makes a tackle and gets knocked backwards by a host of his buddies on the other side who get to the ball carrier just after you make contact. This puts all the forces on you as you are bent backwards, unable to reposition your body for the impact of the pile. ZERO FUN!!!

Well folks, that is what it is like to play this glamorous game we call football. I also like to compare the offensive and defensive piles to the King Kong movie, specifically the dinosaur scene where the frightened humans are dodging that huge herd of Brontosaur i (sic). That is a perfect analogy. Dress those animals up in uniforms and helmets and you will have a perfect depiction of 4th and one on the goal line with 4 seconds on the clock and the offense needs a score. It is all out carnage, and the next morning can only be described as feeling as if you stepped out of a car that was slammed into at 60 mph, spun and rolled until it had lost momentum.

So give an extra cheer for the big fellas who have to do it on almost every down. I never onced wished I was an offensive linemen, even though they play possible the biggest role in the overall outcome of the game.